To My Readers: I wrote this post several months ago, just before God intervened and moved us to the Tennessee State Veterans Home, but the feelings and events written here will prepared the way for you to understand the many miracles that have happened since. I intend to share them with you in my next post, but please read this one first. It will help you appreciate what has taken place since.
Calvin had a bad day today!!
Worse than that I had a good day! Because Hospice provided a home health aide to bathe and to sit with Calvin, I was able to get my hair cut, and to go by Kroger Yay!!
Calvin stayed home with someone he barely knew - Booo! Despite the fact she is a wonderful, efficient, caring woman, she is still a stranger - double Boo!!! (I hate that he cannot go with me, or go play golf and he has done so many times before.)
Later, when I got home, he wanted to go to the park and hit a few golf balls. We drove to Munford park, but he was to weak to get out of the car. He could barely stand, then he wanted to go to Sonic to get a "treat". We bought his favorite - Snickers Sonic Blast. He ate about an eighth of it and set it aside. (What's happening to his appetite?) Last month, or was it the month before he ate the whole thing and then ate lunch. Decline is a dirty word and I don't want to think it, see it, or live it. No fair, sneaking up on us like this. Sickness and disease never play fair!
The last few weeks have been a time of transition and I don't like it! When I allow my mind to wander randomly, my reaction to this new phase reminds me of a similar reaction I had to the phases of raising my children. My oldest, Michael, was a busy little boy and when his nap time came I would put him down and then collapse. The times were similar because when he was three several extremely life changing events took place. First, I was expecting our second child and I was overwhelmingly tired as I often am now. Second, because Calvin was out to sea and would not be home for six months, I felt very alone as I do now! Third, my three year old gave up his afternoon nap! Why is that similar? Because now as then, we were settled in a routine and even if it wasn't the best routine, it was predictable and there-by bearable!
Fast forward forty-four years and here we are again - moving forward into a new phase. We are tired and longing for the familiarity of the old phase and dreading the one ahead. Nevertheless, we move forward felling our way along.
He's sleeping more and eating less for the past few days. What does that mean? "Eat Calvin; wake up Calvin; I'm only doing this for you, Calvin. I know you don't like all these new people, but we need them! Don't be angry Calvin. I'm afraid I'll fail you in some way so I need these people to guide me!"
The "fiery darts" are flying. Insipid lies and accusations that soar my way and then move uninvited into my thinking. For example: "You caused this decline, you jumped the gun, and sought out Hospice care." "You caused this because you go out without him and he feels, and has even said, that you don't care about him anymore!" "If you were stronger, more patient, or had more faith Calvin wouldn't feel abandoned and would be doing better." Even though my logical mind, and even the Spirit of God whispers to me that these are lies, each thought bores into my subconscious destroying my confidence in God's plan, But the reality is that Calvin has a terminal illness. His body is dying. I must prepare for this event, but preparing is beyond difficult.
Then suddenly, every thing changes, but more on that in my next blog. God Bless!!
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