He Did Not Go Alone

It's been just over nine months since Calvin passed away but I am recently assured that he did not go alone.   I have settled into life without him.  I love my home and I'm at peace here.  It's a peace that, in part, has to do with the pictures that I have placed strategically around my home.  I have them all over the house!  At least three in every room, including my bathroom.  In addition, when my computer is in the rest mode more pictures of his last few months and days roll across the screen.  Many of them were taken at the Veterans home where he spent his last two months. Those are the hardest, because when I see them part of me wants to delete them, but I can't do it. Why?  Yes they do show the worst of those final days, but when I look at them I am reminded of something I never want to forget - the tangible, living Presence of the Lord Jesus Christ! 

CHRIST ALONE

Herb Hodges: "That Christ is alive is the most important Truth in our present world. This means that in any and every moment which we call “now”, Jesus Christ is actually, actively, even aggressively, alive! He is alive in every “now”, and will remain alive in every “then”, throughout eternity. That is, though it would seem adequate to say “He is alive”, it is actually not technical enough and adequate enough. We must rather say with Scripture that He is “alive in the power of an endless Life” (Hebrews 7:1)

CHRIST REALIZED 

More from Mr. Hodges - "The second important Biblical Truth of His Resurrection is the Truth of Christ realized, the Truth of His recognized, realized, acknowledged, experienced Presence all the time. I want to know and to show Christ’s maximized Presence with me at every moment, in all situations, in all places, in all times, and in every relationship of life. I repeat this for heavy emphasis. Christian, there is never a moment when He is not with you, when He is not present, when He is not involved, when He is not active, in your life (or death)—never a single moment—and this will remain true forever."
INDESCRIBABLE COMFORT FROM AN OLD FRIEND
Psalm 23 has had a powerful impact in my life.  My first encounter was when I was nine.  I was required to memorize "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want" during Vacation Bible School.  It wasn't long after that encounter when I accepted the reality of Christ as my only chance for a relationship with God.  I asked Jesus into my life and into my heart forever.   The next encounter was amid the crisis of a troubled marriage, during that crucial time the words of David "He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name," reminded me of God's love and guidance in every circumstance and reminded me of my first commitment to the Lord and to Calvin.  

MY MOMENT OF TRUTH

Finally, it has touched me again as I grieve the loss of Calvin.  "Be reminded of David’s renowned words of long ago.  In the well-known words of Psalm 23, David wrote, concerning your own “moment of truth,” your own date with death and destiny. 'Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, forYou are with me….”  Please note that up to the fourth verse in Psalm 23, David had been talking about the Shepherd—“The Lord  is my shepherd … He leads me … He makes me to lie down in green pastures … He leads me in paths of righteousness.”  But in verse 4, He no longer talks merely about the Shepherd, he suddenly begins to talk directly to the Shepherd!  When does that occur?  After all the pleasantries of the journey are over, and he descends into the most unpleasant part of the journey, the deep, dark “valley of the shadow of death”!  Christian, Jesus will never be any closer to you than in that moment when you begin your descent into that deep, dark, death valley!  His Presence will never be nearer or dearer to any of His true children than when they “step over the edge”, taking the last step in this life in preparation for taking the first step in the next life.  Remember, “It is appointed unto man once to die (the last stop in this life), and after this, the judgment (the first stop in the next life)” (Hebrews 9:27).  But a Christian does not need to fear either stop; His Master is the Engineer of the entire trip and all of its necessities—for time and eternity!"  Herb Hodges, May Newsletter

Never Alone!

Calvin was not alone!  When I felt him breath for the last time, I was lying next to him in bed.  Me and my life companion.  We had laid close together so many times, through sickness and health and finally we were allowed to spend those last few moments together.  I did not grieve and wail as one with no hope, because the Lord of Psalm 23 was there to take him where I could not go.  I was privilege to escort him to the door of eternity and then experience the peace that Brother Herb talked about, personally.  He's alive!  We were not afraid of evil in those last moments because our Shepherd was there.  His Presence was near and dear to both of us that day.  How about you?  Are you trusting the Shepherd for all His days with you and for his Presence when you die.  Trust Him now!  Your life and death will be an encounter rather than a trial.  

 

The Long Goodbye: From Fear to Faith: Prayers That Avail Much

The Long Goodbye: From Fear to Faith: Prayers That Avail Much: "The earnest prayer of a righteous man has great power and wonderful results."   James 5:16b   A few weeks ago one of ...

Prayers That Avail Much

"The earnest prayer of a righteous man has great

power and wonderful results." 

James 5:16b
  A few weeks ago one of my grandsons came to visit our church.  On any ordinary Sunday this would have been a wonderful occurrence, but this brand new United States Marine arrived in full dress blues and he brought great pride to this grandmother's heart. 

     Any young man who chooses to serve his country in the armed services is to be admired, but my young grandson is a very special case.  I believe the Marine Corp is God's calling on Tyler's life.   From his earliest  years he loved the adventure of exploring.  He spent many hours with his friends in the woods behind his home.  Always equipped with his walky-talky, he would wander the woods, fighting bugs and poison ivy to secure his space and prepare for war.   One Christmas he requested camouflage gear and I was obliged to help Santa with that request.  Christmas morning he unwrapped everything from underwear to cap, covered with camouflage from head to toe he couldn't wait to head out to the woods.


As strong as his calling was, we weren't always sure he would follow it.  As with any call, the devil set his mind to deter God's will for Tyler.  Every weapon was formed against him!  The enemy of God's plan offered much for him to choose - none of which were for his good or God's glory. 


The Gospel of Matthew reports the affirmation of Jesus' call!  Whereby the world of Jesus day heard the Father pronounce his pleasure with his Son: 

"After being baptized, Jesus came up immediately from the water; and behold, the heavens were opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending as a dove and lighting on Him, and behold, a voice out of the heavens said, “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased.” Matthew 3:16-17

     However, in the very next chapter Matthew reports the temptation of our Lord.  The devil never changes his tactics or his determination.  He still offers young men an opportunity to turn away from God's call.  


      I have no idea what the future holds for my grandson, but I do know he will be tried.  I also know that the outcome of his life greatly depends on the failure of the devil to dissuade him from his service. 


When Tyler was younger, even when he was very little his Mom began to pray for his future and the Holy Spirit gave her this promise from the book of Isaiah.

And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children.“
Isaiah 54:13

Prayers that avail much always include a scriptural promise!  In a similar way, the Holy Spirit gave me a promise as I prayed for my young son as he began his career as a Memphis policeman in 1984 .  My promise came from Psalm 91.

 ^"When he calls on me, I will answer; I will be with him in trouble

and rescue him and honor him. 

I will satisfy him with a full life and give him my salvation." Psalm 91:15-16

 As the twenty-five years of my son's career passed, I saw that promise fulfilled for his physical safety and for the salvation of his soul.  I prayed for his safety, but the Lord was most concerned with his soul.  This is true for your young person as well.

     It is also important to be long suffering, patient and consistent as you pray.  1 Thessalonians 5:17 and 2 Timothy 1:3 highlight this important point.  The Father who loves us hears our prayers but our constant persistence builds a hedge or wall of protection around those we pray for.
      
     One final thought:  my Marine grandson is in school now, preparing for battle.  His mom and I are praying that he won't ever have to use the skills he's learning, but he is praying that he will.  Since his desire for battle action will probably be fulfilled, our job as intercessors is to do spiritual battle for him.  I read a book once about a prayer team in England during WWII.  This team prayed night and day as London was being bombed.  They prayed for peace and for the bombing to stop; they prayed for the war to end.  They divided into teams and prayed around the clock, for weeks and even months.  These folks battled as we must battle.   God has heard my prayer and he has hidden my family under shadow of his wings. 

And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat:  But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.  Luke 22:31-34

Parents:
     Take seriously the importance of consistent, persistent prayer.  Pray for their protection?  Yes!  But most importantly pray for their souls.  Satan desires to have your children.  He wants to take them to hell. You know that, but do you know what to do about it.  Satan desired to have Peter but Jesus. the Son of God, prayed for him and the book of Acts, among other scriptures, proves the power of those prayers.  "But I'm not Jesus," you might say.  If you are a Christian, born again, with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ you are in Him and he is in you.  You have the power to war against the enemy because you are in Jesus.  Stop giving up your children and stand, in the name of Jesus and take them back.  Sit before him, quietly wait, pour out your desire for your children to Him.  Ask for a verse; a promise to cling to.  Pray that promise back to Him and believe.

 

Remember this:  Now, faith is the substance of things hope for the evidence of things not seen!  Hebrews 11: 1. 

    

ARE YOU READY?

It's been a while since I posted and I hope I haven't lost any "followers"  while I was gone.  As I begin this new year, I hope to write this blog at least once a week.  So much has happened since my last post.  The long goodbye came to an end on August 16, 2013.  As you may know, my sweet husband had been sick for a long time and as he gradually lost his physical strength the insidious disease - Lewy Body dementia took over.  But, God be praised, he never lost his patient, loving ways.  One at a time, Calvin lost almost everything that matter to him, but he never complained.  I believe he came to see the things of this earth as unimportant.  As I ponder those last few days, I tend to wonder how he did that.  Grace, God's unmatchless favor carried both of us through each phase and there were so many miracles during those last few days that need to be recorded.  Not for myself, or for Calvin, but for each of you my readers.


As Calvin declined in strength and awareness so did his appetite and my hours were spent working with the "angels" at the Tennessee State Veterans Home to meet his physical needs.  As we worked together to get him to eat or communicate or just to keep him comfortable, God gave us such favor with everyone.  People were drawn to us and each one seemed to work extra hard to take care of us, even though there were at least fifty others on that wing.  One nurses aide in particular, Amanda, worked to get Calvin to eat when no one else, including me, could.  She would come on her shift at 3:00 pm and by 3:15 she would be in Calvin's room.  One day, when he had been particularly lethargic and had not eaten any lunch, smiled or responded to me in several hours, Amanda came on duty!  At the sound of her voice, Calvin opened his eyes and smiled.  "What's up with that?"  I wondered, but that smile thrilled my heart and Amanda's.  Calvin was always a big flirt!  When Amanda's voice moved him to smile, I knew there was still a little bit of Calvin left in that poor, failing body.  Sometimes, to get him to eat, she would tell him he had to keep his strength up so that he could spend time with me.  She reported that her comment would always make him try a little harder and I knew that despite his diminishing health there was a heart that still loved me very much. 



One point that was reiterated to me during Calvin's long illness and later his death was the fact that we, each of God's human creatures, has a soul/spirit/personality that is eternal.  Oh!  I knew that factually, but not by experience.  When that body dies, there is a very real part of us that lives on throughout eternity.  Where is Calvin spending eternity?  Where will I spend eternity?  Will I see him again?  Fifty years is not enough time!  More importantly, I want to know that my life partner is now whole and living in peace with Jesus and that I will join them someday!

Where will you spend eternity? 

Waiting until life is almost over to that most important is not wise, but more than that it's foolish!  Surrendering to the will of God for your life is surrendering to the reason you were created.  Calvin made that choice gradually!  Just as he made every decision of his life, he thought and pondered until he was convinced that the Word of God was Truth.  I've been reading some of his old letters which were written October, 1974 through April, 1975.  At that point, he had just gone back to sea duty after a three year break.  I think he was feeling pretty insecure about leaving me and became concerned about my faithfulness to our marriage.  He decided to pray about it and ask God to confirm the security of relationship with His Word.  Later, he wrote that God had led him to some verses in John 14:2  "In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. John 14:3  "And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also."  After quoting those verses in his letter, he said this:  "That's it!  I'll never doubt your love again and I am looking forward to spending eternity with you." It was 1988, before Calvin committed his life to Christ and I am sure that those verses took on a renewed meaning for him from then on. I found and reread those letters just after he passed away!  The Holy Spirit preserved and gave me new assurance with words that were written decades ago.   Can you have that sort of comfort about yourself; your loved ones.  Don't be caught waiting!

MATTHEW 25: 1-13

 

Have you read the parable of the ten virgins?  If you are curious, you can find it in the Bible.  The address is Matthew 25:1-13.  (Parable: a short story that uses familiar events to illustrate a religious or ethical point.) 


"In the parable of the wise and foolish virgins and the parables surrounding it we see the Lord Jesus preparing His bride for His second coming.  In Jesus' day when a man chose a bride an engagement was the same as being married.  The bridegroom would pay the father the agreed price to purchase his bride and there would be an engagement party where the bridegroom would make a toast and say these words to his bride to be, 'I go to prepare a place for you in my father's house and I will come again and receive you to myself that where I am there you will be also.'  When the bride took the cup and drank from it she was saying, 'I accept this contract.'  The bridegroom then held up the cup and would say these words to his bride, "I will not drink of this cup again till I drink it with you in my father's house.  Then he would leave to go and prepare a bridal chamber on his father's house and the bride would not know when the bridegroom would return for her so she had to be ready at all times." (Excerpt from The Bride Adorned for the Wedding, by Ginny Porter.)


Can you see the significance, to me and to Calvin, of this story?  I am confident that I will see Calvin again.  My confidence is based in Truth.  Not the truth as the world sees it, but in the Truth in God's Word. 

He Leadeth Me! With His own Hand He leadeth Me!

Hello friends and family!  It's been almost a month since Calvin left our world and entered into eternity.  The funeral is over and his earthly body rests quietly on a small hill near a lovely pond just south of Millington.  I miss him terribly, but not despairingly.  He is ever present with me in all he was before, but now I have his presence in the memory of his ways just as I have the Spirit of our Lord Jesus Christ through His ways.

 I have always been an independent woman.  I had to be!  Calvin was in the Navy and sailed across the Atlantic many times leaving me alone in the beginning and then, later, with Michael and Sheri.  We survived without him.  We lived our lives alone for sometimes six months, but all that time Calvin was still covering us.  He covered us with love, counsel, prayers and always with the bond of marriage and family.  Now I miss him, yet he is very much with me.  As I drive my car, I am reminded to never trust the other driver.  Calvin taught me to drive when I was 17 and he taught what he had learned, defensive driving.  So, when the light turns green I look both ways before entering the intersection - because that's the way he taught me to do it. 

I ordered a new washer and dryer from the exchange yesterday and before I signed the order I thought long and hard, because Calvin taught me to be sure that I could afford to pay cash for something before I purchased it.  No credit, I heard him say as I signed the papers and paid the necessary twenty percent down.  "Will you have the money to pay it off when it comes in?"  He always led me, but often with much resistance from me, to do what was right and that guidance keeps me still.

Pay the tithe this week Joney!  Twice a month and some times more often Calvin would remind me to pay our tithe.  Just when the collection plate was being circulated Calvin would nudge me and when I looked he would form his two fingers as if he was holding a pen and write something in the air. I learned years ago, that this was the signal to write the tithe check.  He never forgot, he was always on time and not only with the tithe but he would often give money away secretly to those whom God had prompted him to help..  God's Spirit often prompted him, but I didn't always know about it.  One week he felt God leading him to help a young man in our church go to seminary.  I was unaware of it at the time, but God was working on him , and Calvin had given a little resistance.  So, one Sunday morning God made his orders perfectly clear.  The young man and his wife who every Sunday sat on the opposite side of the church, for no apparent reason sat directly in front of us.  Calvin told me later that I needed to write a monthly check to the young couple for as long as he was in seminary.

I am not alone!   Calvin's memory is always near.  The things he taught me are still guiding me today.  Jesus is my husband now and strangely enough He often guides me with a mental picture of what Calvin would have led me to do. 

Michael, our son, and Sheri our daughter are strong reminders of him!  They are both fantastic money managers.  They have Calvin's guidance too.  His spirit is never far away from any of us.  I don't know how people who have no faith ever survive the death of a loved one.  Maybe they don't survive.  Maybe that explains why so many people are depressed, and lonely and even take their own lives.  They are alone with no hope of ever filling that God shaped hole in their hearts.  My space is filled with Jesus, but also with the one who led me for forty-eight years.  I drove past his grave to day and felt no compulsion to stop and mourn.  My Honey is not in that grave, no more than Jesus was in his grave.  Calvin is resurrected and now lives in heaven with so many loved ones who have passed away, but I will see him again and the reunion will be sweet, but I am not without him now.  He lives within my heart. 

I'm planning a trip to visit my son and his family in northwest Arkansas the end of this week and on Wednesday I'll go have the tires rotated and the fluids checked!  Calvin taught me to do that!  I'll make sure I have enough money and that someone to watch over the house before I go.  Calvin taught me to do that, too!  I'll only go sixty-five mph as I drive, because Calvin said any speed higher than that and the car becomes harder to control. 

In all these examples and so many more, Calvin was and is my covering.  His job was to protect me and he did it well to the end.  The last full sentence he said to me in the days before his death was this" Do you have enough money?"  The Word of God gives some very clear instructions to men as to the way they are to treat their wives and Calvin fulfilled many of them, but the one he did the best was this:  "²⁵ And you husbands, show the same kind of love to your wives as Christ showed to the Church when he died for her, ²⁶ to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God’s Word;^{[b] 27} so that he could give her to himself as a glorious Church without a single spot or wrinkle or any other blemish, being holy and without a single fault. ²⁸ That is how husbands should treat their wives, loving them as parts of themselves. For since a man and his wife are now one, a man is really doing himself a favor and loving himself when he loves his wife!

I'll end this post with a word of encouragement for every woman who reads it.  I realized in hind sight that Calvin was God's leader, friend, and lover in this earthly life.  It was God who taught him to teach me.  It was God loving me through Calvin; God protecting me; now that Calvin's physical presence is gone I know and understand God's presence and guidance.  I may not always obey His promptings as I did not always obey Calvin, but I cannot complain that I do not have love and guidance because I learned what it looked like for forty-eight years.  Please value that good man and learn how to hear from God through obeying him.

Bible Gateway

Waiting for Sonrise!

Jeremiah, chapter three is an interesting passage and has been an encouraging reminder that when the circumstances of our lives are at their darkest -  God's sunrise is just a moment of darkness away.  Jeremiah, who is known as the weeping prophet, was deeply grieved by the afflictions of God's people, but was soon reminded to find hope in God.  ('The faithful love of the Lord never ends, his mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness, his mercies are new every morning. Jeremiah 3:22-23)  Calvin then and now only myself are the living proof of that verse.  Often when Christians pray for someone who is in the throws of affliction, sickness and disease, they want to see the person back to what they believe is normal, but God never allows us to back up.  When we ask God to restore a person to what he was in times past, we are always praying amiss because such a request leaves no room for the miraculous.  I believe this could be the very reason why the Lord's prayer - says "Thy will be done."  That prayer leaves the door of possibilities wide open.

Before Calvin passed away, many of the contacts with my friends and family begin with this:  "How's Calvin today?"  My faith saw him whole and healed, but to say that to someone when in reality he was not might have seemed, to some, like denial. However, if I chose to see Calvin healthy I was, after all, agreeing with the Word. Let me explain.  Years ago, after a routine chest x-ray my doctor ordered a cat scan of my chest, but did not fully explain why.  Days went by with no report on the findings and as a result I spent many days fearing the worse (cancer).  As each day passed my fears became greater than my faith, and I even found myself planning how my family might go on without me.  Then one morning, God gently reprimanded me.  "Joney!  What is wrong with you?  Why are you so fearful?  Listen, if you die you will be with me and if you live you will be with me!  Either way you are healed."  Having received that reassurance in God's sovereignty, I found courage to call the doctor.  No cancer!!  In fact he had never suspected cancer!  He suspected tuberculosis, found nothing and gave a good report. However, for my readers, some questions may remain.  Did I have some sort of illness in my lungs and God healed me?  Not sure!  Was I well all the time and suffered through a false alarm?  Maybe!  Nevertheless, the trial was intended to test my faith.  It did, indeed do that and more!  Building on that and hundreds of other encounters I began, very timidly, to notice a  flame of trust building in my unbelieving heart.  That, my friends, is God's foundational motivation to every trial.  You and I were created/born for one reason - a relationship with our Creator.  Unbelief kills that relationship; but belief can kindle a burning fire.  Andrew Murray in his book The Holiest of All speaking of unbelief says this:  "Unbelief closes the heart against God, withdraws the life from God's power; in the very nature of things, unbelief renders the word of promise to no effect."

So fast forward to the last weeks, days and hours of Calvin's life.  There we were, again, in need of faith and trust in God's plan!  Because I had learned about and experienced an encounter with the Holy One, I was standing firm on a foundation of solid belief.   I was once again walking through a blind alley, but of even greater length and intensity.  As I felt my way through the pits and perils of those days I was not just believing for myself, but for my sweet Calvin as well.  "Yes, though we walked through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, we feared or dreaded no evil, for He was with us; His rod [to protect] and His staff [to guide], they comforted us. He prepared a table before us in the presence of  Calvin's impending death. He anointed our head's with oil; our [brimming] cup ran over.   Surely or only goodness, mercy, and unfailing love did follow both of us in those dark days, and through the length of our days we will dwell in the house of the Lord [and His presence] will be our dwelling place. (Mine here in this temporary place and Calvin's in his eternal home).

To close this segment of my blog I want to share the words of a song that sustained me every day of those last two months.  I had the CD in the car's CD player so that when I started the car it would automatically come on.  Whether coincidence or God incidence I do not know, but either way it soothed my fears and caused me to count those days as joy.

Step, was written by Rebecca Peck, and sung by Lalania Vaughn- Lord, I'm glad you didn't let me look ahead/To see the trials I would have to face/ I would have lived my life caught up in fear and dread/and missed a lot of joy along the way/On this journey I have had my share of tears/ Lonely days when it was hard to understand, but you'd whisper to me gently, "Child, I'm here," And I knew that you were holding to my hand. 
Chorus:  Every step that I have taken/Every valley I've walked through; I have seen that your grace cannot be shaken; Every step brought me closer, Lord, to You/ Every step brought me closer, Lord, to you.
I have known a peace that I cannot explain/When everything around me fell apart/For your promises brought hope within my pain/. That you would heal the wounds inside my heart/When my feet could not go on another mile/For the road had left me tired and O so weak/I would hear you whisper "Child, come rest awhile"/Then you'd hold me close and weep along with me. 

 Chorus:  Every step that I have taken/Every valley I've walked through; I have seen that your grace cannot be shaken; Every step brought me closer, Lord, to You/ Every step brought me closer, Lord, to you.

Enough for now!  I have so much more to tell; so many more praises and miracles to share.  I am tempted to tell you:  tune in tomorrow; same time; same station.  :-)

It is Always Darkest Before The Dawn!!

To My Readers:  I wrote this post several months ago, just before God intervened and moved us to the Tennessee State Veterans Home, but  the feelings and events written here will prepared the way for you to understand the many miracles that have happened since.  I intend to share them with you in my next post, but please read this one first.  It will help you appreciate what has taken place since.

Calvin had a bad day today!!

Worse than that I had a good day!   Because Hospice provided a home health aide to bathe and to sit with Calvin, I was able to get my hair cut, and to go by Kroger  Yay!! 

Calvin stayed home with someone he barely knew - Booo!   Despite the fact she is a wonderful, efficient, caring woman, she is still a stranger -  double Boo!!!  (I hate that he cannot go with me, or go play golf and he has done so many times before.)

Later, when I got home, he wanted to go to the park and hit a few golf balls.  We drove to Munford park, but he was to weak to get out of the car.  He could barely stand, then he wanted to go to Sonic to get a "treat".  We bought his favorite - Snickers Sonic Blast.  He ate about an eighth of it and set it aside.  (What's happening to his appetite?)  Last month, or was it the month before he ate the whole thing and then ate lunch. Decline is a dirty word and I don't want to think it, see it, or live it.  No fair, sneaking up on us like this.  Sickness and disease never play fair! 

The last few weeks have been a time of transition and I don't like it!  When I allow my mind to wander randomly, my reaction to this new phase reminds me of a similar reaction I had to the phases of raising my children.  My oldest, Michael, was a busy little boy and when his nap time came I would put him down and then collapse.  The times were similar because when he was three several extremely life changing events took place.  First, I was expecting our second child and I was overwhelmingly tired as I often am now.  Second, because Calvin was out to sea and would not be home for six months, I felt very alone as I do now!    Third, my three year old gave up his afternoon nap!  Why is that similar?  Because now as then, we were settled in a routine and even if it wasn't the best routine, it was predictable and there-by bearable! 

Fast forward forty-four years and here we are again -  moving forward into a new phase.  We are tired and longing for the familiarity of the old phase and dreading the one ahead.  Nevertheless, we move forward felling our way along. 

He's sleeping more and eating less for the past few days.  What does that mean?  "Eat Calvin; wake up Calvin; I'm only doing this for you, Calvin.  I know you don't like all these new people, but we need them! Don't be angry Calvin.  I'm afraid I'll fail you in some way so I need these people to guide me!" 

The "fiery darts" are flying.  Insipid lies and accusations that soar my way and  then move uninvited into my thinking.  For example:  "You caused this decline, you jumped the gun, and sought out Hospice care."  "You caused this because you go out without him and he feels, and has even said, that you don't care about him anymore!"  "If you were stronger, more patient, or had more faith Calvin wouldn't feel abandoned and would be doing better."  Even though my logical mind, and even the Spirit of God whispers to me that these are lies, each thought bores into my subconscious destroying my confidence in God's plan,  But the reality is that Calvin has a terminal illness.  His body is dying.  I must prepare for this event, but preparing is beyond difficult.  

Then suddenly, every thing changes, but more on that in my next blog.  God Bless!!