Calvin had a tooth pulled yesterday. It must have been a shock to his system because he went to bed last night at 8:15 and didn't want to get up until 10:30 this morning. He was very weak. When I tried to get him to stand up he wobbled and we almost fell. I caught him and suggested that he might wait until he felt stronger and more awake. To my surprise and relief he agreed and sleep until 12:30. This time he got up and ate, but as soon as he was finished he wanted to lay down again and slept until 2:30. I was missing him and wanted him up with me. That's odd for me, usually by that time of the day I am worn out and wishing he would take a nap. LOL if you want to. This life is so crazy, or apt to make one crazy! On second thought, insanity might be a nice place to go! Just kidding!!! I want what I cannot have and when I get it, it isn't as good as I had thought so I want to go back to where I was. I couldn't help but think about how it will be when he's gone, and suddenly I was grateful that I could at least still know that he would eventually get up. He wasn't gone for good. "Thank you Jesus that I don't have to go "there" yet! Gotta go! He's up!
Several days have passed since my last entry here. It's Monday now and he is doing better, but he strangest new thing is happening. He speaks in riddles or disjointed comments. If I ask him a simple question like, "Do you want to go to the park and hit golf balls this afternoon?" He will answer with a riddle like - "If I should go what would happen?" Most of the time I just rephrase the question until I get a yes or no answer, but the process is frustrating for both of us. (More talk about "frustration" in my next blog.)
Monday night and it's been a busy day, but no major problems. He's resting now and seemed content when he laid down. I have a full week ahead and I have already started praying for him, because I'll be away three days this week instead of my usual two. I enjoy being out, but a part of me is always there at home with him. I think he's become an obsession because his care is constantly on my mind. Obsessing is exhausting, but what other option is there? Full time care? Cost to high! Nursing home? Cost to high, both financially and emotionally! "Stay in 'today' Joney! Tomorrow is God's business - leave it to Him.
Everyone (family, friends, pastor) constantly remind me that I can't continue this pace much longer. "He will get worse," they say and there will come a time when I am really unable to continue. My physical strength is already waning, but my hope is to go all the way to the end with him at home. Reminding myself to take one day at a time usually reigns me in and then I focus on Who holds our tomorrows.
My relationship with Jesus is my strength. No! Jesus himself is my strength! I can truly say that I "pray without ceasing" as Paul reminds us to do in 1 Thessalonians 5:17. Just as a drowning man clings tightly to whatever keeps him afloat, I cling to Him, through prayer, who keeps me afloat. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow. "...nevertheless I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day." 2 Timothy 1:12. Those verses are not just trite "happy words" they are sanity saving truths. However, before Calvin was diagnosed they may have been, for me, just platitudes . I used them often to encourage others, but had never really depended on them myself. Now, I hang on every word with hope. They are more than words they are life and sanity preserving.
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me! Then the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9.
I have just added a Beth Moore video that the Holy Spirit used just prior to the events above and, as always, I see God going before me! I hope it helps you, as it did me.
It's a difficult journey but as much as we can we are walking it with you. God will continue showing you the way. I love you and Calvin both!
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